ChuckDoherty.com

Here?s an idea for ingratiating yourself to co-workers. First, choose the most annoying earworm imaginable as your cell phone’s ringtone. Next, turn the volume up to eleven and leave the damn thing on your desk to ring incessantly while you wander around the building. Arrange for someone to call every ten minutes during your extended walkabout, and let the joy of happy tunes fill the air!

Dining out? Try this: whenever your phone rings, ignore it long enough for the horrid choice of song to play a verse or two at 120db. Then, when it finally sinks in that your phone is the one making all this racket, slowly fish it out of your bag only to stare at it, mesmerized and slack-jawed, trying to identify the number of the person calling. Next, spend a bit more time mulling over the idea of answering it at all. Be careful not to tap the ‘end’ button during your deliberations as this may cut the music off prematurely. You will want to make sure that everyone else in the restaurant has had a good listen, and has a chance to appreciate your refined taste in ringtone music. Remember that an otherwise boring dinner experience is made much more enjoyable for all concerned by a few bars of Who Let The Dogs Out courtesy of you and your Nokia. And of course, if you do take the call, be sure to do so using a voice that would be appropriate only when calling for help from the bottom of a canyon.

Flying with the kids this holiday season? Forget books – just bring along an electronic toy for them to play with during the flight. Be sure to keep the volume good and high so that little Dakota can hear it clearly over the engine noise and the crying of his baby sister, and don?t even think about damaging his hearing or self-esteem by asking him to wear headphones. Everyone on the plane will enjoy listening to the voice of Shrek cheering on your young champion as he solves the maze and rescues the princess! Again. Hooray for Dakota - the smartest and most gifted child on Earth! And you, Mr. and Mrs. Modern-Parent, are the best mommy and daddy any child could hope for, and you are going to make damn sure that everyone on that plane knows it. Uh oh, it looks like that grumpy man across the aisle is starting to fall asleep and may miss something precious. Now might be a good time to crank up the music and have a sing-along; he might even join in after he hears the tune five or six more times.

Beginning next year, I will be celebrating Festivus. No more Christmas for me.

I really, really wish that I liked dogs. There is so much societal pressure placed on liking dogs that those of us who do not are viewed as potential axe murderers or worse. I know that this fact alone will keep me from ever becoming president. Dog ownership seems to be a requirement for that office, even if it involves holding them aloft by their ears for the press as demonstrated by LBJ during the 1960s. Let me say that my lack of dog affection does not mean that I would ever cause them any trouble; I just choose to spend my time in dog-free environs while wishing all the best to those who think differently and choose to share their lives, cars, and beds with their four-legged companions, or even (oh God) share an ice-cream cone with them. Ugh.

Sure, little puppies are cute, and great happy dogs bounding along at their owner’s side or riding proudly on the seat of a pickup are picturesque if nothing else, but dogs are also smelly poop-factories that don’t respect the same boundaries as the rest of us. Some, if not more people, have negative feelings about cats and I can see why. Even though I am a cat owner myself, I can understand how poorly behaved cats give the rest of them a bad name. The smell of a litter box scented house can be a truly awful experience to behold. For the record, my house is equipped with cat doors, thus allowing the little creature to do her filthy and sinful business elsewhere, most likely in someone else’s yard. Sure, I would bitch and moan if a dog were to come into my yard and leave a steaming rocket on my lawn, but when is the last time you stepped into a pile of cat crap? Never. Cats discreetly bury the evidence. Dogs leave theirs in a strategic spot intended to catch a careless traveler. I have a hillbilly neighbor who walks his dog through the area each morning, with not the slightest attempt at poop responsibility. He stands patiently by his dog’s side as ol’ Duke presents the goods, then scurries away quickly before the scent reaches the nose of the affected property owner. I know that such behavior represents the bottom rung in dog ownership, but all you need is a few people like this to give dogs an even worse reputation. A few nearby dog owners even let theirs wander free, turning every trash day into Christmas morning as they rip open bags and topple barrels in search of something tasty. A pox on their houses!

I recently attended a holiday dinner party hosted by a lovely young woman whose gregarious pooch is a treasured member of her family. As such, he had free reign of the whole house including the dining room, where he spent his time poking his snout into every available crotch and ass, while trying his best to lick the plates of the careless. My lack of dog skills were evident as I tensed up upon his relentless approach, which made the dog even more hell bent on focusing his attention on me and getting whatever unguarded morsel he could from my plate. I could not wait to get back into the safety of my furless car, with its unsmudged windows and unchewed seats.

I have been traveling a bit lately, and spending more than my share of time on airplanes. I have to wonder who on Earth comes up with the choice of words used in safety instructions, and why they choose to complicate otherwise simple matters. Take the issue of turning off electronic equipment. Here’s a suggestion, why not tell the passengers; “All electronic equipment must be turned off now.” Simple and to the point. But I guess it doesn’t sound formal enough, so the phrase used is; “Electronic equipment must be turned to the off position at this time.”

What exactly is an off position? “Off” is a simple concept, it means just that; off (i.e., not on). All of us have used portable electronic equipment in the past, and have learned that you usually turn them off by pressing a button. If told to turn something off, everyone knows exactly what to do. But how does one turn or place something in “the off position”? The phrase implies that there some sort of spatial orientation of the device that will cause it to turn off, as though tipping it backwards and slightly to the left would do the trick.

One announcement I heard gave passengers the contradictory message that “cell phones must be powered to the off position,” much as one might drive their car into the “park” position. And don’t even get me started about those flight attendants who remind us about the use of “electronical” equipment.

And when should all this happen? Not “now”, but rather “at this time.” It’s like “now”, but more important.