ChuckDoherty.com

Inskip Lexus, the dealership where I bought my car, just mailed me a survey card asking about my experiences there. At the top of the card, it says; “We would appreciate your candid answers to these questions.” However, the card does not even give an option for not being satisfied. There is a checkbox next to the statement “I intend to continue getting my vehicle serviced at your dealership” but there is no other choice; you can either check the “I am happy” box, or not check anything at all.

A popular urban legend from the 1970′s had it that Frank Zappa once consumed human excrement during a concert, allegedly to one-up someone in a showdown of loathsome behavior. It is, of course, quite absurd and Zappa himself even addressed the matter in the prologue to his autobiography when he stated that the closest he ever came to eating crap was at the breakfast buffet at a Holiday Inn in Ohio. Clearly, he never dined at the Panda Buffet in Pueblo, as I did last night. When it comes to bad dining, I have been to the mountaintop.

I can’t put my finger on what make the food in Pueblo so disappointing. Even what purports to be upscale dining here is mediocre. And for me, coming from an area where there are so many fine restaurants, the contrast is even more pronounced. Even getting fresh, tasty food at a supermarket is difficult around here. I may look down my nose at the Stop & Shops back home, but they have it all over the supermarkets I have visited in Pueblo. I think it is a matter of there simply not being much demand for good food, and that a quality restaurant or food store would be unappreciated if it were to open.

This is a radiator valve. It is about as big as your fist, and sits atop a steam pipe controlling the flow into a radiator. If you have ever been in an old house (like mine) you’ve seen one before. Pretty simple device, and fairly reliable too. Sometimes they may leak and need to be tightened or replaced, as is the case with one at my house.

Being the fix-it sort, I first head down to Home Depot to see what I need to repair this. As fate would have it, their plumbing department was a ghost town, with no one to answer my questions. So, I picked up a sturdy-looking wrench and a tube of pipe-sealing compound and headed home to set things straight. When that didn’t work, I decided to bite the bullet and called a plumber.

I know people always make jokes about plumbers costing some outrageous amount, but I always brushed this off, thinking that most people are not used to paying what it costs to get good service. I was prepared to pay whatever it cost to get this fixed, which I could not imagine being much higher than the $99 service fee they charge for stepping through the door. Was I ever wrong – they wanted $650 (!!) to change the leaky valve, and could not even promise that this would remedy the problem. For $650, I would expect a guarantee, AND for it to be fixed by a naked woman.

But not home for long. The cat is delighted to see me, and has been within three feet of me since I arrived.

I did another 5AM drive from Pueblo to Colorado Springs to catch the 7AM flight to Atlanta. The gentlemen in the seat next to me on the flight, who described himself as “not a good flyer,” started his day with three early morning screwdrivers downed in rapid succession, followed by several more through the flight. This, along with the information in the book “Ask The Pilot” (a guide to being an airline passenger) that he was reading seemed to do the trick nicely, and he was fine even through a bit of rough air. Seven AM is a bit early for me to take a pull on the mason jar though, so I stuck to coffee.

On the second leg, I found myself in a window seat while my seatmate on the aisle was performing some involved arts-and-crafts project involving sorting and stacking photos and arranging them into envelopes. My coffee-laden bladder withstood the first round of this undertaking, but once giant packet “A” was completed and she reached for giant packet “B,” I broke down and asked if I could be allowed use of the bathroom. I felt like a little kid asking the teacher if I could go do number one.

One of the flight attendants was telling me that they have been directed to “dumb down” their language so that the great unwashed could better understand them. She felt, as I do, that the changes were both unnecessary and insulting, but the same group that makes them say “off position” instead of “off” is at it again and now insists – for example – that the crew refer to the lavatories as bathrooms, fearing perhaps that someone will mishear this as laboratory and attempt to dissect a frog in there. They are also instructed to refer to the vehicle itself as an airplane and never as an aircraft, because (it is believed) there are people who do not understand what an aircraft is. People can be thick, but they are not that thick. And God forbid they use the word turbulence. Heavens no – that’s just rough air out there.

Weather Karma is catching up with me today, leveling the books after all those warm days I experienced out in Pueblo while everyone at home was in the deep freeze. Today it is mild and clear back home, but cold, damp, and altogether nasty around here.

February 6

This morning – for what may be the third time in my life – I set foot inside a church. Before you start thinking that I have found religion let me explain that I confined my visit to the basement of the church only, and even then only because they were hosting their monthly Mexican breakfast. Steve, a co-worker, was kind enough to take me along to this event and introduce me around to his family and friends who were there preparing and serving this feast. I got to meet a delightful group of people who could not have been more hospitable. I enjoyed an order of Huevos Rancheros and a tasty burrito, but I took a rain-check when offered the menudo, which to my surprise is more that just a boy-band; it’s also the name of a dish made from tripe (mmmmmmm, tripe) and hominy – neither of which are in my dining lexicon. I also passed on the vast selection of desserts, despite the fact that my doctor specifically told me that I wasn’t getting enough cheesecake and cherry pie in my daily diet, especially at breakfast.

An interesting food-related fixture in this town are the traveling burrito men, one of whom stops in at the office like clockwork at 9AM with a cooler (in this case, used in its warmer mode) stocked with breakfast-style burritos. These are inexpensive ($2.00 – $2.50 depending on ingredients) and are quite delicious. Try as I may to resist them, the sound of the doorbell at 9AM has an absolutely Pavlovian effect on me.

The second leg of my flight to Colorado Springs was cancelled tonight, so I was rebooked on flight leaving early tomorrow instead. I must say that I am quite happy to have an excuse for spending another night at home, and that the few hours of work it will cut into will be more than made up for with much more contentment and mental hygiene. At the time I typed this I would have been halfway to Atlanta from Providence, but instead I am nice and cozy was even able to enjoy a beer or two at The Hot Club before heading home for a nice night’s rest.