ChuckDoherty.com

Even though I have never asked for it, American Express sends me a free copy of FSB (Fortune Small Business) magazine each month.  The latest issue, seen here, has an article about people who bring religion (or more specifically; Jesus) into their business operations.

The cover photo featured construction company owner and friend o’ Jesus Bart Azzarelli, standing in a pose that can only be described as stained-glass-worthy.  I am not sure if this particular photo was selected as a sly commentary on the attitudes that people can have about their own holiness, but it sure seems that way to me.  

What is he looking up at? Perhaps Jesus is up in that shaft of light giving a PowerPoint presentation of next year’s budget and earthquake schedule. And why is Bart holding his hands like that anyway? Is that The Holy Handshake of Antioch, or some sort of secret signal that Christian construction executives use to identify one another in a crowd?  Whatever else is going on in this photo, one thing’s for sure; old Bart definitely has on his best churchin’-up expression.

In the article, Bart talks about how God communicates to him.  It seems that recently God sent a message saying that he needed to “soften his aggressive personality.“  Instead of the traditional Angelic Vision or Burning Shrubbery methods of divine message delivery, God went with a more subtle approach which involved tossing Bart’s ass into the pokey for a while after an altercation with a parking lot attendant.  A lesser man, one who didn’t have God on his side, might conclude that it was just society’s way of telling him to stop being an asshole. But Bart knew that God was really the one slapping on the cuffs.

I guess God doesn’t really care about me all that much; I never get that kind of personal attention.

I really love my Tivo.  Not only does it faithfully record my favorite shows when I am away, it also allows me to rewind and make sure I heard correctly when someone on a program says something so completely ridiculous that you can’t believe that anyone on Earth would actually say such a thing.  

Case in point: I had the Tivo record the last few episodes of Frontline on PBS. It was a three-part series called Country Boys, which followed two young men – regular sorts – through their high school days in a small Kentucky town.  One of the young men has found Jesus, and was in the process of forming a Christian rock band.

What made the show truly rewind-worthy was a segment in which this lad’s teacher, ostensibly a college-educated person in a position of responsibility for molding the minds of the young, was talking to him and the rest of the class about evolution, and making it clear that it was not something she believed herself.  She went on, and I quote;

“I don’t believe I descended from an ape. I don’t believe Christ looked like an ape, at least by what was stated in the bible. [The Bible] says he was an average looking man, not an ape.”

Now just pause for a moment and breathe in the absolutely stunning logic of that statement. Savor it like the bouquet of a fine wine – you don’t get to hear something like this very often. By her line of reasoning, evolution is proven false by the lack of scriptures that say anything about Jesus turning one banana into a bunch, or that he flung poop at his detractors. 

I’m convinced.

Over the years, the NPR show Car Talk has gotten progressively less informative and more annoying. The callers aren’t selected for the quality of their questions as much as they are for their ability to prattle on with some sort of NPR-ish backstory. A clunking noise from the front of a car is apparently more interesting if the vehicle is used for driving a company of lesbian clog dancers to their weekly practice.

Just now, an annoying “youth minister” is on the show, talking in that self-righteous / faux-self-deprecating manner of Father Mulcahy on M.A.S.H. and bemoaning the cost of oil changes on his (here’s a big surprise) Volvo. He was asking for (in his words) their “blessing” on the idea of using some place like JiffyLube rather than the dealer for this. On getting a positive recommendation, he actually said “oh, a heavenly weight has been lifted.” PuuuuLeeze.

On the news this morning was a report of yesterday’s bank robbery-cum-hostage standoff in Kissimmee Florida, in which a pair of robbers took bank employees hostage after the police showed up most unexpectedly at the very location they they were, at that moment, in the process of robbing.

While attempting a getaway with one of the hostages in tow, the robbers piled into a car with the male driving and, in true old-fashioned style, the robber-ette in the back seat with the hostage. In any case, just a short ways up the road the police shot and killed the driver, at which time the female, perhaps realizing that her options were seriously diminished at that point, immediately surrendered and was taken into custody. The hostage was unharmed, the tourists who were “locked down” in the area hotels were finally allowed out to get back to their theme park of choice, and The Main Street Electric Parade at Disneyworld proceeded on schedule, much to the relief of all.

A police spokesman describing the incident referred to the apprehension of the female suspect as taking place “immediately following our initial contact with the male” … the “male,” you may remember, being the fella what was shot in the head. At this point in the report, the news switched back to a reporter who explained (for the benefit of us civilians); “and by initial contact, the police of course mean the shooting of the suspect.”

Now come on, could the phrase “initial contact” be any more obtuse? If what they were trying to say is that this was the first time they happened to shoot him in the head, well, yeah, it was their initial contact, but come on. Why not just come out and say what you mean rather than utter something so completely meaningless that it takes a TV newscaster to anglicize it?

Cops love to talk in that special way of theirs whenever they are making a public statement. There’s no real reason for choosing the words and phrases they do, but they miss no opportunity to say something like; “the alleged perpetrator feloniously did act,” or “this officer then observed the assailant alight from the vehicle,” rather than “I saw him get out of the car.”

The San Francisco cops were having a Coptalk field day yesterday describing the bomb that someone left in the restroom of a local Starbucks.  First of all, they were absolutely thrilled to be able to call it an “Improvised Explosive Device” just like the military now calls roadside bombs and booby-traps. Apparently, the word bomb just doesn’t cut it anymore, and something much more official sounding was called for.  And, I guess describing it as “improvised” sets it apart from the bombs …excuse me, the explosive devices, that you could pick up at the local Wal-Mart.

The police went on to state that had this device exploded, it would have caused “some damage.” I don’t know about you, but I think that “some damage” is pretty much de-reguire from even the most improvised of devices.  I was surprised that the police didn’t also mention its potential for causing “a certain degree of confusion, including but not limited to a great deal of scurrying about.”